In my early twenties, I learned that yellow roses symbolize friendship. With this painting, I chose to paint a yellow rosebud. In honor of the friendships that we make with others where the relationship never really blooms to its full potential. Sometimes life takes us in different directions with no hard feelings. Sometimes there is a betrayal in the relationship. There is always something beautiful about looking back to see what we learned and how we’ve grown. 

It can be incredibly lonely to realize a relationship you really want to work out isn’t going to. I chose to do a desert sand background behind the flower to symbolize this loneliness. With this piece, I’m reminded of all the former friends who told me I was worthless. The ex who insisted I was stupid for doing things differently than he would. And all of the people who told me I was selfish for setting boundaries. When I was already feeling down and at my lowest, emotionally. For removing myself from their negativity to heal from the pain they were causing. I look at this painting and see how the petals of the flower refuse to open up. At least, without the right nutrients and the right soil conditions. I think that is a good analogy. The right people around you will support you in the ways that you need. So that you will feel comfortable opening up emotionally. Which would allow the relationship to fully blossom and grow strong roots.

While painting this artwork, I noticed my skills have improved. I have come a long way since picking up a paintbrush in 2014. My earliest paintings were streaky messes, but I fell in love with process. The process of learning to see the beauty in nothingness where paint meets canvas. The process is what I’ve always loved most about art in any medium. It allowed me to find peace in the moments of excruciating emotional pain I was experiencing at the time. And even today when I am overwhelmed with emotional flashbacks due to PTSD, I come back to art. I always have and I think I always will since it helps to keep me grounded and present. It allows me to visually see the progression of my internal growth. I can look back at the art I’ve created and see where improvements have been made. I can also see what I still need to work on. This can be in a painting or in an interpersonal relationship with others.

Drawing, painting, art will always be my happy place. It’s where I can go to just be and express myself freely. And where I can heal from interpersonal trauma that’s made me happier as a recluse living secluded in the woods.